It seems that when the time comes for myself to break, I am always within a Trust Fall’s length of an individual much stronger than I. Someone stronger than I who has been the reason my own strength itself.
This afternoon, during my first training session of the day, I received a phone call from my doctor asking to come in tomorrow for a follow-up of my last appointment. It seems that another biopsy needs to be done to further determine what kind of treatment I need and if a full hysterectomy should be an option.
I sat down next to my squat rack on the rubber floor. Finding everything within my being to breathe deeply, softly. Desperately trying to be hyper-aware of my breathing, I became unaware of what was happening within my all-telling eyes.
"What’s going on Little Jay?" my coach asks.
Then it happens. I start breathing heavier, I kick over the chalk box. I can’t even recall everything and everyone that I cursed, it just happened so quickly and my face stung and my torn hands hurt from all the salt in my sweat and tears.
Finally, I began to tell my coach Jason everything. Everything I had done such a great job at keeping to myself. I never want the people closest to me to worry and constantly ask if I’m okay or need anything and I feel like I am the one to save the people I love most from such grief or stress.
Jason is my coach and has been for nearly two years. I love him and hate him all at once. Lately we have not had the greatest relationship because I’ve been missing training, due to my illness and telling him it’s been all school related, which some of it has. We’ve been butting heads a lot and there were times where I felt he’s been unfair but today none of this mattered. None of it at all.
There isn’t anything in this world that could describe just how I felt in the moment that he just grabbed me off the floor and held me, literally putting me back onto my own feet. Feeling the warmth and strength of this man and knowing him in a way that I never have in the past two years we’ve been in each other’s lives. Something died in me in that moment to be replaced with something else. I can feel it in my chest. It’s heavy but in a good way.
He gave me these words: “You won’t know until you know, until then just do what you do best. You take good care of yourself, more so than most. Can you imagine what state you would be in now if you didn’t? This is why you’re here, this is why we lift, this is why we WOD, this is why you’re on this team. You’ve got great strength and a stronger heart. Keep pushing and when you feel like you can’t do it on your own, you have me and the rest of us right behind you”
Three more of my team mates were there and heard everything and as soon as Jason was done speaking, I had another three sets of arms around me.
How beautifully extraordinary my life is.
I feel a lot stronger in dealing with this after allowing my team to know about everything I’ve been going through. I didn’t stress anyone out or cause any grief, they just love and support me. I no longer have secrets. I no longer endure these things alone.
If you follow me on social networking and you see me out in public, say for example…grocery shopping, please do not make me feel like an awkward zoo animal by pointing and telling your friend “That’s that Mysavageheart chick I was telling you about” when I can most definitely see and hear you.
I know a lot of you have thought I am the most unapproachable woman ever but I swear, you have less of a chance having your face torn off by me if you are just polite and introduce yourself. Especially if this happens just after I have come from endurance training.
There are thousands upon thousands of you that have taken an interest in the life that I share on this blog of mine and am honoured that you have done so and have allowed me to inspire many of you. I have met some of you and have created amazing friendships, but half the time, people forget that I am just another individual fucking around on the internet and are completely weird when it comes to seeing me in the flesh.
Just chill the fuck out and come say hi, please don’t make my shopping for tea and ice cream Anxiety Fest 2014.
The good news is that I am done midterms this week and Morgan finally comes home tomorrow.
The bad news is that I have two ovarian cysts and won’t find out if I’m cancer-free until next week. I’ve gone through a series of injections and had a number of blood and tissue samples taken today. Needles fucking terrify me and nurses can never manage to find a proper site to take blood from due to my tattoos.
I feel like there has been a great violation done to my body more so than ever before. This is the greatest flaw within the art and architecture of my being. It’s the most maddening fucking joke I’ve ever known.
I will keep calm and face anything that comes, but my body is tense for now.
How’s it hanging?Thanks for following and hopefully we can all be friends. 👍💕 For further posts, I am also mysavageheart on Instagram.
This week I have two more midterms, a physiology paper due, Morgan is gone the entire week and I have what is probably one of the most important appointments I’ve ever had to go to in my entire existence so far.
As some of my long time followers know already, last summer I had to deal with ovarian cysts, a lot of god forsaken bleeding, a couple minor surgeries and painful injections. The doctors said I wouldn’t have to deal with this again after that but now, here I am. Again.
The cells within these cysts have the potential to become cancerous and everything is being done to be sure that it never comes to that. I’m having a part of myself taken out completely to be sure that this never happens.
I’m 99.2% that I am never going to fall victim to such a thing. I’m very positive that when my time comes, I am going to be taken out by the most extremes of nature whether it is an avalanche or being eaten by something in the forests of Borneo.
I’ve been feeling the weight of this health situation a lot more so than the last time around, although. I really have taken more thought into my own mortality than usual. This is coming from someone who has been in avalanches, car accidents and has had their heart stop for two minutes already.
Part of my life has been put on hold because my uterus/ovaries cannot get their shit together. I have to take leave from school and training…competition. I’m angry and I keep asking the universe as to why I must constantly have to crawl out of everything, tooth and nail. There is blood and dirt on everything I own.
I’m a stubborn fuck but I am fearful this time around.
I refuse the idea that anything could have the potential to hold me back other than myself. This is the first time where I feel I have no control.
"Haven’t I done everything right?"—to whom am I asking this every night?
I know I’ll be fine. Better, even. I am just very anxious. I want this to be over. The “what ifs” every night are unpleasant.
All of you grace me with such beautiful, kind words, praising my strength and ability to inspire. But, I think this time is the time that you should take anything away from me…
Strength, now more than ever is not about the amount of weight I can throw around or what mountains I can summit, but is about my ability to get back up and go forth when the world keeps telling me to stay down. I hope you can all do the same.